Our Take On Those "Top 10 Signs He/She Is Cheating" Lists

On Those “Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating” Lists

Back in 1953, Alfred Kinsey found 50% of all married males, and 26% of females had engaged in extramarital sex.  Since then, everybody from Ann Landers to the blogosphere have written lists proclaiming the “signs your spouse is cheating.”  Over the years, we’ve done surveillance and other investigations for a wide variety of clients.  While attorneys, corporate human resource types, and insurance claims examiners all care about the quality of our work product, no client has near the personal involvement of a “domestic” case involving the sixth commandment.

As a field investigator with 10+ years of work in this area, here’s a gut-feeling, seat-of-the-pants, totally unscientific collection of opinions on those lists, from a guy who’s tailed those who’ve been there, done that. 

Let’s start with the obvious. The most simple, straightforward way to find out if your spouse is cheating is to ask them. While you probably don’t want to “pop the question” if you’re about to send a surveillance investigator out after them, many spouses, if given an opportunity to “come clean,” will admit the truth, especially if the adultery involved a relationship, not just an out of town business trip with a couple of orgasms thrown in. It’s rare to find a spouse whose “BS detector” hasn’t gone off once their spouse has become involved in an extramarital relationship.  To be sure, people lie to get sex, lie to avoid getting caught, and lie “just because,” but given the opportunity to come clean, under the right circumstances a decent percentage of marriage partners will admit the truth when asked. When it comes to adultery, a denial may mean maybe, but if they answer “yes” to the adultery question, your infidelity investigation is pretty much done.  The downside of the “come to Jesus meeting” approach is that the next step could be you sleeping alone that night, so if your exit strategy involves the kids going off to college first, you might not want to go this way.

There have been plenty of lists of “signs he’s cheating,” and “signs she’s cheating.”  While “becoming more conscious of their appearance” could mean either a trendy pair of slacks or a push-up bra, a good chunk of the the underlying behavior is gender neutral.  Men and women do behave differently in extramarital affairs, and how they deal with them, but there are probably more common denominators than differences.  While  women and men both cheat, in about 2/3 of divorce proceedings, the wife is the “petitioner,” and the husband is the “respondent,” so I’ll use the male pronoun for most of my top ten list. 

So here’s our field tested (vicariously) read on the common “top ten lists”

10.       They don’t touch you as much, they’re gone longer, and they’re angry and critical: 

            If you’re still providing for your family’s needs, but she’s suddenly significantly more resentful and on edge, you may be facing a situation where she’s involved with someone else. If he changes his patterns and avoids communication with you, that caring is likely going somewhere else.

9.         They go outside or retreat to the other room to make private phone calls:

            Especially if he’s receiving calls in the evening, and excusing himself to return the call after you’ve heard his phone vibrate.  Especially if she’s withdrawing to somewhere she can make outgoing calls undisturbed.

8.         They’ve locked down access to their desktop, laptop, or smartphone.

            Keeping a spouse out of one’s digital data is standard operating procedure for marriage cheats.  If they’ve always been in lockdown mode, this may not mean anything, but if they used to have everything in plain sight, and now you’re seeing a screen saver while they’re in the John, you’ve got a problem. One browser hit to the "life is short, have an affair" site www.ashleymadison.com [1] may not be proof of ejaculation, but it’s proof of intent, and they know it.   

7.         They have hidden email or social media accounts.

            If they’ve locked down their digital data, this is still an area a professional investigator may be able to uncover. While it’s not horrible by itself, it’s a good indicator combined with item #8.

6.         They delete text messages, chat history, and browser history on their smartphone and  social networking accounts.

            Especially if it’s done selectively. If messages to Jennifer go back to when he bought the phone, but messages to Jill from last week went poof, you’ve got a problem.

5.         They spend tons of time with a colleague, co-worker, or friend of the opposite sex.

            While a sex-fueled fling may originate via an online dating site, the relationship’s more likely to come from that temptation he’s known all along. 

4.         You notice a different scent on them.  Men. We’re idiots. We’ll press our cheek up against a woman wearing Chanel #5,  and we honestly don’t realize you’ll figure it out.

3.         They have a “burn phone” in addition to the normal cellular phone they carry. 

            Very bad sign.  Period. The charger is probably easier to find than the second phone, but the message and call logs will be a smoking gun if you somehow manage to find it.

2.         They’ve becomes more conscious of their appearance and fitness. 

            Actually, this is probably one of the stronger indicators.  If he’s got more muscle and less weight, a new hairstyle, and trendy clothes, it could be a mistress, age-consciousness, or simply gearing up to be single again.  If she’s been losing weight and toning up while stuck in a sexless marriage, there a really powerful dynamic building up there too, that’s looking for a release.

1.         They don’t come home at night.

            Seriously. Most of us in the PI business have come across a client whose marriage life is at this point, but they’re still grasping on to the hope of some plausible explanation.  If this is you, don’t be embarrassed, you’re trying to keep hope alive in a bad situation, and that’s an understandable reaction.

[1]Canada based www.ashleymadison.com, with over 20 million subscribers, is the largest website specifically dedicated to extramarital dating.  Considering there are less than 174 million married adults in the U.S. & Canada, this is a truly astounding number.  Even if you assume 3 million subscribers are either singles wanting to date married men & women, or English speakers living overseas, that’s still one marriage partner in ten.    

  

  

An Increasingly Sophisticated World?

I was going to start out this article with the phrase “As we live in an increasingly sophisticated world,” but suddenly found myself stopping in mid-sentence.  Technology changes the way society functions, and often changes the balance of power. Technology changes the way we live our lives, the way we do business, the way we fight wars, the way we govern, and certainly the way I do my job, but I’m not at all sure it makes us more sophisticated.  As a licensed private investigator, I deal a lot with both privacy issues and technology.

Public and private sector entities we depend on for information are in a constant state of flux.  Government authorities around the world are building super-tools to track perceived threats against them.  Data mining and cyber-warfare tools are being built faster than courts and politicians can figure out the difference between email and texting.  Online merchandisers are building super-tools to increase sales opportunities, and those who attack authority are developing their own technological tools to wield in the struggle to hold the digital high ground, a fascinating balance of power.   

Today, government entities are wielding surveillance tools that are so powerful they have no historical precedent.  At the same time, adversaries of governments have become more nimble and adaptable too.  Which brings us to today’s window on the world of technology. 

In tech battles, the advantage often goes to the attacker.  When malevolent actors in places like Afghanistan attack authority, creative melding of technologies turns the advantage to the attacker.  Like recombining old cellphones and unexploded munitions and turning them into tank-killing IED’s, cheap and easy technology can serve to help us annihilate each other. Once in a long while, however, someone comes up with an inspirational marriage of technology that helps us to not destroy one another.  Today’s find was one of those unlikely marriages.

Civil Rights Defenders, a Swedish NGO, (http://natalia.civilrightsdefenders.org/#how) has introduced the Natalia Project, a marriage of existing technology that actually makes it harder for evil people to get away with violence.  In high risk parts of the world, human rights advocates are taken in the middle of the night when no one is around.   Civil Rights Defenders took the social networking of a twitter feed or Facebook page, and the geolocation technology of a GPS offender tracking system, and melded them together.  The resulting technology is an alarm device for human rights defenders.  Activists, journalists, and others at risk of abduction, murder, or being taken as a political prisoner latch the device, a clunky orange bracelet, around their wrist.  When a human rights defender realizes he or she is being attacked, they activate the unit by pushing a button.  Like a silent alarm from a bank to the police, once cut open or triggered, the wristband sends out a signal.  That signal will hopefully hit a cellular or wireless network, sending an SMS text message back to Sweden and sounding the alarm to network members in the area, along with the wearer’s GPS coordinates.

The idea is that through notification and mass media, midnight assaults against human rights defenders become increasingly risky to the aggressors, especially if someone with a video camera can get to the incident quickly.

Initial distribution of the device began in Stockholm on April 5.   The devices are not for sale to the public.  They’re looking at having the devices on 55 at-risk civil rights defenders by the end of the year, many of whom are in former Warsaw Pact or Soviet states.

BREAKFAST WITH A FRIEND

I had breakfast with a new friend today.  Well, actually a whole lot of us had breakfast… with an employment law expert Karen L. Gabler of Camarillo based, Light Gabler LLP.  Unfortunately, at least for the rank and file, the presentation was titled “We’re Just Not That Into You… Effective Handling of Employee Terminations.”  

In today’s labor climate, effective handling of employee terminations is a topic that really draws a crowd.  The place was packed.  There were barely enough chairs, even though it was a 7:30 am start. 

As a professional investigator who’s been in the business for over ten years, I’ve worked plenty of major cases, and I’ve been on the witness stand for both direct testimony and cross examination by some darn good attorneys.  There are very few of them I’m afraid of.

Karen Gabler’s an attorney who’s just about the last person I’d ever want to go up against in a court of law.  Not only does she know her stuff, she's the kind of attorney who knows how to pull the chair out from under your argument and leave you stunned, sitting there on the ground in front of the jury with a smile on your face, wondering what just happened to you.  Then, with a smile on her own face, she zings your argument a second time with an only slightly sarcastic remark, precisely timed to make the moment stick in the minds of the jury.

Karen took us through a morning that was less PowerPoint, and more interactive, focused discussion.  Our own company does pre-employment screening, employee background investigations, and threat management cases, and it’s easy to see how things an employer missed on the front end of a worker’s hire can come back to bite them later.   Karen brought lots of good information to the table, and I’ll definitely plan on going to more Light Gabler LLP presentations.

Not sure what it portends for society and the California economy, but Karen sure seemed to have hit on a hot topic with “Fifty Ways to Leave Your Employee.”

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

We just wanted to take the time to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you. For more than a few of us and our friends, last year was a year of trials in our personal lives, yet we have been able to rejoice in many ways, and come closer together. As we go into the new year, we wish all of you to be blessed with hearts that are filled with peace and loving kindness. All of us at Informed Decision Background & Information Services, Inc. wish you a very Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone,

in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone.

I had come down the chimney with presents to give,

and to see just who in the home did live.

I looked all about, a strange sight i did see,

no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree.

No stockings by mantle, just boots filled with sand,

on the wall hung pictures of far distant lands.

With medals and badges, awards of all kinds,

a sober thought came through my mind.

For this house was different, it was dark and dreary.

I found the home of a soldier once I could see clearly.

The soldier lay sleeping, silent, alone,

curled up on the floor of this one bedroom home.

The face was so gentle, the room in such disorder,

not how I pictured a United States soldier.

Was this the hero of whom I'd just read?

Curled up on a poncho, the floor for a bed?

I realized the families that I saw this night

owed their lives to these soldiers who were will willing to fight.

Soon round the world, the children would play,

and grownups would celebrate a bright Christmas day.

They all enjoyed freedom each month of the year,

because of the soldiers like the one lying here.

I couldn't help but wonder how many lay alone,

on a cold Christmas eve in a land far from home.

The very thought brought a tear to my eye,

I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

The soldier awakened and I heard a rough voice,

"Santa don't cry, this life is my choice.

I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more,

"My life is my God, my country, my corps."

The soldier rolled over and drifted to sleep.

I couldn't control it, I continued to weep.

I kept watch for hours, so silent and still,

and we both shivered from the cold night's chill.

I didn't want to leave on that cold, dark night,

this guardian of honor so willing to fight.

Then the soldier rolled over, with a voice soft and pure,

whispered "Carry on Santa, It's Christmas Day, all is secure."

One look at my watch, and I knew he was right.

Merry Christmas my friend, and to all a good night.



- - - this poem was written by a Marine stationed in Okinawa. Please take a moment to stop and think of our heros who sacrificed themselves for us.

Employees Gone Wild - Part One

As we look at Part One of our series on employees gone wild, we’ll be presenting an insider’s look into pre-employment screening. They have a saying in human resources that you interview the CANDIDATE, but hire the EMPLOYEE. Every HR pro has tales to tell about how those turned out to be two different people.

The job market has changed. The American economy as a whole isn’t going to borrow its way out of a recession. There’s no stimulus package out there to pump up small business owners, and the government’s ready to tax the snot out of us. The good news is, if you’re a small business owner looking at hiring today, you’re probably already doing a lot of things right. Laid off workers know this intuitively, and with 17% of the workforce either unemployed or underemployed, job seekers are getting more desperate with each unanswered resume posting. Many candidates seeking jobs today are skilled workers who previously commanded a higher wage but now have a skill the market’s already saturated with. That’s why you see that five o’clock live news spot featuring manufacturing engineers and investment brokers waiting in line to become supermarket checkers.

If you go back a decade ago, two thirds of HR professionals had pre-employment background checks done on their new hires. Today, according to the Society for Human Resource Management’s Workplace Violence Survey, 96% of HR pros have background checks done on their new hires, which is great. Of course, as industry insiders, we scratch our heads and wonder why the other 4% of HR pros are intentionally sailing into uncharted waters when they could easily buy the chart.

We understand how small business owners rationalize a decision to take the plunge and hire unscreened employees. They like to call their own shots, they trust their gut, and they often underestimate both the cost of leaving a position open, and the cost of a bad hiring decision. In order to find the perfect job candidate, the small business owner needs to identify the required competencies for the position. Core proficiencies, like using a certain tool, are easy to identify. After that, matching the candidate to the job gets tougher. Harder elements to define, like fitting into the workplace culture, having the required self-motivation, or being able to relate to your company’s clients can be absolutely critical. The smart small business owner screens resumes for the core proficiencies, but carefully screens candidates during the initial interview to identify those harder to define elements like fitting into the company culture.

Once you identify that hot shot who’s a rising star, it’s important to realize that time kills deals, especially with highly desirable candidates. The trick is to go from the initial contact to the second interview and close the deal before the candidate looses interest. That’s called trusting your gut. Don’t just trust your gut. Trust, but verify. A professionally conducted background report should generally clear in 72 hours.

Today’s job market is filled with people who will say anything to get their foot in the door, and while we might admire their initiative, we’ll soon regret their hiring. Some of them are simply crooks who’ve developed a workaround because they know they have something to hide. Think of Frank Abignale, the character played so well by Leonardo DiCaprio in the film CATCH ME IF YOU CAN. He was a MASTER OF ILLUSIONS. We don’t have enough data to publish statistics, but the gut feeling we get here at Informed Decision Background and Information Services Inc., is that the appearance of this MASTER OF ILLUSIONS type of character is definitely on the rise. When you think you’re signing the next Luke Skywalker to boost your company above the stratosphere, the odds of inadvertently bringing aboard a Darth Vader go up dramatically. Fortunately, a simple social security number verification, criminal history, sex offender registry, and verification of a couple of job references will almost always screen out Darth Vader and save the company planet without breaking the bank.

While today’s tough economy means candidates are more likely to have bumps in the financial road, you still want to look at how your prospect can handle money if the candidate’s going to have access to the company’s finances. A pre-employment credit check won’t show you a FICO score, but it will enable you to identify problems like charge offs, bankruptcies, or other indicators you might want to know, without having to dig too deeply into the personal life of your company’s CFO-to-be.

Today we’re seeing is a re-emergence of older workers. It seems like a larger percentage of our pre-employment screening requests are for older candidates.
If you’re hiring for a position where a degree is mandatory, you’ll want to ask the candidate whether the name they’re using now is the same name they were using when they graduated. At Informed Decision Background and Information Services Inc, we verify people’s education and references on a daily basis.

The legal pitfalls of negligent hiring and negligent retention are familiar issues to top HR pros. For small business owners, the game of employee roulette gets played more often. Play at your own risk only if you dare. If you think you’ve got Luke Skywalker the candidate, have him checked out. Here at Informed Decision, our typical client will ask for SSN verification, a criminal history in at least one county, a sex offender registry check, and verification of two references. Throw in driver’s license verification if the job requires operating a vehicle, and educational verification if the job requires a degree, and you’re well on the way to unmasking Darth Vader before he turns the death star on your company.

Finding the right candidate can often be done without posting to a job board at all. Small business owners are adept at networking through friends, chambers of commerce, trade association meetings, and other people in the business. Keeping a pulse on the community can be a great start to hiring the next Luke Skywalker. Trust your gut, act decisively, but verify before you make the final decision. And oh, by the way, make sure Luke fills out those Application for Employment, and Consent for Background Investigation forms completely before he gets his chance to save the company planet.